Thursday, September 4, 2014

The Kitten of Darkness

This is Toby



AKA: The Kitten of Darkness



Guys, I love cats. They've been a fundamental part of my growing up. Cats all day, err day. There was my parents' cat who brought gifts of socks, and my grandparents' cat that weighed 25 pounds and looked like Garfield. When I was 16, I met my best friend's grandparents who own 21 cats. Don't worry, only 10 are allowed indoors. After a tour of their home (in which every room was hosted by a dominating feline), I felt inspired to add "Own six cats" to the bucket list.

When I grew up, I accidentally married someone who doesn't love cats as much as I do. Actually, it wasn't an accident. That was a pretty important question to discuss right after having the "Yeah, I totally want to marry you" conversation. I just figured he would eventually change his ways. This expectation was not unlike a Mormon and a Catholic getting married and waiting for the other to swap religions. Until that conversion day came, my plan was to sneak in as many cats until Taylor noticed.

I hope you can tell that I really love cats.

Most of them, anyway.

Toby was probably born evil, but in the beginning, I was willing to see past all her flaws.  She was young and playful, and wreaking kitten havoc wherever she went. Peeing in the plants? Oh she'll stop once we put Pop Rocks in the dirt. Chewing on toes? Give her a ribbon to play with instead. Eventually, she did grow up a little more, and found other things to bite, mainly chair legs. However, whenever Toby and I were in the same room, she would suddenly remember her childish desires, and stalk me.


Basically her reaction when I join the room
I'm not even kidding, guys. There is something about my bloated, pregnant feet that clearly needs to be gnawed on. Recently, she found she really likes the taste of my hair, and the feel of her claws running down my back. Even when I leave the room, she follows me, ever attempting to "play".

Yesterday, this even went so far as stalking me into the bathroom. Bending over isn't so easy, so I couldn't pick her up and put her outside. Instead, I took a the shower, hoping the water would dissuade her. No sir, not today. Instead, she meowed to me through the shower curtain, letting me know she was waiting. I ignored her, and continued on showering. At some point, I picked up the shampoo bottle. To my shock, a huge black flying insect came flapping off.

I would tell you what kind of monster attacked me in the shower then, but I wasn't wearing my glasses. I should have been though, because the fogginess would have blocked my vision, preventing further spazzing.

The thing flew around the shower, its flight patterns signaling it was very much annoyed. I squealed and ducked when it came my way, while trying to not slip in the still running water. I could feel my body temperature rising, which lately has meant a hot flash was imminent. Finally, satisfied at the distress it caused, the creature flew over the curtain, leaving me to treat the oncoming dizzy spell.

I shut off the water, and got out as quickly as I could, slightly stumbling over the porcelain bathtub edge. I knew from experience I needed to get somewhere cold and lay down in case my consciousness checked out for lunch break. I was almost out the door, when little teeth and claws sank into my ankle. I had completely forgotten about TKOD. Impatiently, I foot-pushed her away, and headed for a basement because 1) cooler air, and 2) I really didn't think she would follow me all the way there.

I was drifting off to sleep, suddenly over-tired from the hot flash, when I awoke to purring, shortly followed by a pounce on my face, and teeth chewing on my wet hair.

I would never harm an animal. But forgive me when I say in the moment of my body internally cooking itself and already being at wit's end with the cat, I just about drop kicked The Kitten of Darkness to Russia.

I didn't though. Not just because I don't want Toby living in Russia while we're there, but also because I want to practice that thing called "patience". I hear it's really good for parents. I lifted her up off my face and gently set her out of the room. I ignored her as she tried to scratch her way back in. And then I went back to sleep.

Today, she got stuck in a tree, and started crying for help. Despite her darkness, I couldn't turn my back on her sad, regretful meows. They made my heart sad. The lawn chair wasn't high enough, so I made the sacrifice of being 8 months pregnant to climb that tree and bring her to safety. She purred the whole way down.

Once she realized I was back on solid ground, Toby bit my hand, and raced back up the same trunk.
mid cat swipe picture
Rethinking that drop kick to Russia now.

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