Wednesday, April 20, 2016

overwhelmed

Blogs are interesting.

They're such a cool way to connect with people all over the world. I've met great online friends who I've never met in person because of this blog. 

Blogs are also weird. Because of the people I write about, those online friends know about them. It's the strangest feeling when I get an email that mentions Taylor's or Arrow's name in it. I always have a "Oh wait. This is real. There are real people reading this" moment. It's easy to forget that just because I can't see their face doesn't mean that they're not there. 

And then there are other "characters" on my blog that get honorable mentions here and there. Namely my sisters or my closest friend who are a big part of my life. They have a big influence on what happens during my weekends. Since this blog is namely a family record, I feel this (positive) pressure to post about them / the event so that we don't forget in later years.

The line between what I can share about them sometimes gets a little blurry. I always double check with the person if I'm going to post a photo with them or if I going to share some news about them. Usually they're okay with it. But sometimes I wonder if they forget as I do that real people are reading this blog too.

It's just something to constantly review and refine as life goes on and those people become older and have bigger life experiences.

This blog also acts as a online journal for myself as well. It gets a little more personal when it comes to my own life, because I like to think that I have a good sense of judgement when posting online. I'm sure I've maybe been too open in the past (and sometimes maybe too quiet & vague in an attempt to not be over-personal) but this post is something that I want to share. It's mainly for myself, because I'm feeling overwhelmed, and just writing about it will make me feel a little better. I'm actually not even sure if I will post this, because I don't know if it'll be of worth of reading to anyone.

This was a post I started a few months ago. I didn't finish it until now, because sometimes you need a break from your emotions. At least I do. I get sick of living in my head from time to time. (Until I find myself right back in there :)

Okay.
I'm ready to talk.

Friends, I am overwhelmed.

This is not the first nor the last time I will feel this way. Unfortunately. Those first newborn days with Arrow were killer. I did not think I would be able to survive. I didn't think I was going to die from the stress, but I didn't think I would be able to "live" again.

Luckily, she learned to sleep at night, I took to formula instead of nursing (that made a big adjustment on my mental strength), and those awful newborn days turned into the happy baby stages and life got even better.

Because of that, I know I can survive hard things. I can do hard things. These are the lessons I needed to learn for this new season of life I've been living through.

This new type of overwhelming battle is completely different. Although, honestly, I'd rather face this than newborns any day. (However, that's not going to be the case in the fall. :) )

I am feeling really overwhelmed with school. Now, I am so, so grateful that we worked out a schedule that allowed me to graduate school, and that will allow me to continue onto my future degrees. I am so grateful that I could be with amazing people and other students who have shaped me into a much more awesome person than when I first started college.

It's just right now I feel overwhelmed.

When the semester started, I quit my part time job so that I could take on an unpaid internship, 15 credits of classes, and keep up with an incredibly busy calling in Young Womens. Six weeks into it, I was drowning. Yet, I had this feeling that I really should not drop any classes. I received a priesthood blessing for it, and talked to my husband in depth what I could do. Because it wasn't enough to just finish a homework and show up for church twice a week. It was being at church strengthening my 30 teenage women twice a week and (hopefully) bringing them closer to each other and to Christ. It was being an attentive mother to my baby and being present for the many changes that happen in those first few years. It was being my husband's best friend. It was being a diligent student so that I could get into a really good school when I transferred. It was being a reliable friend and teammate so that friends could count on me emotionally and physically to be there when I was needed. It was keeping my mind open to soaking in everything I was learning in school and in my internship so that I didn't develop those skills for naught.

It was a lot.

In the end, I knew that something had to change. I needed to cut back on something although it didn't seem possible. I turned to God to point out for me what I couldn't see. I got that blessing that I mentioned beforehand in search what to do, and I felt impressed to talk to my co-leader in Young Women's. I didn't ask to be released from my calling. I just told her what I had available emotionally and time-wise, and asked if that would be enough for the calling. That sweet lady took all of my concern and worries and immediately told me that too much was happening. She gave me mutual nights off. Later she called back saying that she couldn't shake this feeling (that she had even had before I called her) that I really needed to just focus on school and family. The bishop felt similarly, and I couldn't deny what I felt either. It was time to be done. I was released that following Sunday.

It was really hard to let that go. I still attended YW on that same Sunday, because I wasn't ready to say goodbye to my girls quite yet. I was going to miss hanging out with my rad ladies on Wednesdays and with my leaders on the other days of the week. I was also very grateful to have some time back to be with my family again.

That "time off" didn't last, though. I was released from my calling just in time for an announcement that I was required a second unpaid internship with a company's social media to be able to graduate. Part of that requirement meant meeting 2-3 times per week. All those hours I thought I had gained back from Young Women's went straight back into this new internship.

I don't doubt the timing that that I was released when I was, because it gave me a week of relaxing just a bit before plowing back into another insane schedule. 

Friends, I am overwhelmed how we're going to survive another couple months. I don't know how to be fully present in all of the things as student, mother, wife, friend, sister, etc. I have never been stretched this far.

***

Post edit note: This post was written a couple months before I graduated college. Many tears were shed on some nights, particularly when I found out I was pregnant only weeks later. 

There was so much pressure.

Looking back now, I don't think I'd be ready to handle another semester as rough as this one. Not for a long time. But God sure knows what He's doing when He gives us hard things, I think. 

I think I'll end this post right here, because I want to share the {good} aftermath of the semester. Because I did survive it all, with the help of good, good friends and family. I walked just last week with my diploma case in hand across a graduation stage. It was incredible.

Thank you for following as long as you did. I'm grateful for blogging, for all the many things that were aforementioned. 

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there. Sometimes it's okay not to be fully present in all areas - I've had several seasons of my life where I've been totally phoning it in as a wife or mother or student or whatever (not all at the same time, hopefully!) You're pregnant also, which we usually don't count as a "real" excuse to be totally drained. But it is!

    ReplyDelete

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